When Forgiveness Isn’t the End

What does the Bible say about what needs to happen after you’ve been hurt by someone you care about? There are many books written over the need to “forgive and forget” which has led to many misconceptions about the implications of forgiveness. Forgiveness DOESN’T mean that the other person gets a “get out of jail free” card, or that you are saying that what they did wasn’t hurtful. It also doesn’t mean that they get immediate access back into your life, or that they will no longer have consequences for their actions. So what does it mean? With so many conflicting ideas out there, I think it’s important to go directly to the Bible to see what it teaches on the topic.
The Bible gives us a clear command to forgive others. We are to forgive everyone (Mark 11:25) in the same way Christ forgives us (Eph 4:32) as many times as necessary (Matt 18:21-22). When the Bible mandates something and reiterates it in so many ways, it’s important to understand why. The purpose of forgiveness is so that we can be in right relationship with God. God in His infinite wisdom knows that when we are holding on to old wounds, whether they are mental, physical, or spiritual, those wounds get in the way of our relationship with Him. It is for OUR benefit that He commands us to forgive others so that we can grow in our relationship with Him as we heal from those wounds. The hurtful words or actions of others live uninvited in our heads as long as we allow them space. Forgiveness allows us to set those things aside and fix our eyes on God.
But then what? What does it look like to move on when you’ve forgiven even though you’re still hurting? The Bible says that we need to make every attempt at reconciliation, but society seems to have confused that with restoration of relationships. This can sometimes be the case, but it doesn’t have to be.
Matt 5:23-24 is often used as “proof” for a biblical mandate for reconciliation, though it is better translated as referring to unsettled debts (material or emotional) that you owe someone as opposed to mending relationships. To reconcile means to set right what has been broken. Within relationships, we do this by apologizing for our actions or words, or by making amends if the situation calls for it. The Bible does not call us to be friends with everyone, and it’s not always appropriate to restore a relationship after it has been broken. This can come with time in some situations, but to be pressured into restoration of relationships is not warranted nor justified in scripture and is an indication to proceed with caution.
We are ALWAYS called to forgive, and we should make every effort to reconcile anything that we’ve broken. However, restoration of relationships can only happen when both parties are committed to lasting change. Sometimes, the more mature, God-honoring course of action is to go your separate ways in the same way as Paul and Barnabas (Acts 15:39), while praying for future opportunities to bear witness to the lasting change that is necessary to rebuild relationships.